WHAT DO WE DO, PEOPLE? THE PHONES ARE DEAD.

IT'S OUT IN THE HALL. NO, WE DON'T KNOW THAT.

THE SMOKE COULD BE COMING THROUGH AN AIR DUCT.

EVERYBODY STAY CALM. WHAT'S THE PROCEDURE, EVERYONE?

IF IT'S HOT, THERE COULD BE A FIRE IN THE HALLWAY.

[all chatter, groan] - NOT A VIABLE OPTION.

(Dwight) OH! HERE'S A DOOR. CHECK THAT ONE OUT.

[all chattering] BACK TO OUR OPTIONS, JEEZ!

OKAY, SETTLE DOWN, EVERYONE. NO BUNCHING.

OKAY, WE'RE TRAPPED. EVERYONE FOR HIMSELF!

OUT OF MY WAY! LET'S GO! GET OUT OF MY WAY.

(Dwight) HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BURN VICTIM?

(Dwight) EXIT OPTIONS. WHERE DO WE GO, FOLKS?

THERE WAS NO FIRE. IT WAS ONLY A SIMULATION.

IT'S NOT REAL, STANLEY. DON'T HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

NO, NO, NO. DON'T GIVE HIM MOUTH-TO-MOUTH FOR THIS.

[looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke]  Does anyone smell anything smoky?

[points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!

Oh, fire!  Oh my goodness!  What's the procedure?  What do we do, people?

No, we don't know that.  The smoke could be coming through an air duct.

Oh my God! Okay, it happening.  Everybody stay calm.

What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?

No! No, Michael! No!  Touch the handle.  If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.

Oh! Here's a door.  Check that one out. How's the handle?

Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once]

Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone.  No bunching!

Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can...

Okay, we're trapped.  Everyone for himself.

[shouting] Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!

Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options.  Where do we go folks?  Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth?

[pulling cat out of filing drawer] It's okay.  Shh shhh.

A what?  A rag.  A damp rag, perhaps.  Let's remember those procedures.  What are the options?  Okay, that's the wrong way.  We've already tried that.  Remember your exit points.  Exit points people.

I only weigh 82 pounds!  Uh-- save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh!

How about 911?  Anyone? 911. [Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.]

Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.

Okay, I am not dying here.  Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping]

Yes! [Dwight pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba-- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!

Ahhhh!!! [Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling]

Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine]

[throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!

[blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin!  This has been a test of our emergency preparedness.  There is no fire.  It was only a simulation.

Fire not real.  This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor]  Oh come on.  It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack.

No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die!  Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president!  You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth.

No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!

Open your mouth.  Come on. Don't swallow it.

[everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael!

Stress Relief, Pt. 1 & 2

Season 5, Episode 13, 0:31-4:33