Niagara, Pt. 1
Meme It!Tom:Pam, you've got the greatest smile and you're body is really fine.
Pete:Smoking.
Tom:Hoping it'll make our wives take it up a notch.
Pete:A little mo' cardio.
Michael:That's not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? 'I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car.' That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight:Knight Rider.
Michael:That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight:No.
Michael:That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. [no one is laughing]
Dwight:Very smart.
Michael:And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.
Jim:No.
Michael:Yeah. Go ahead.
Jim:Alright. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming.
Pete:Douche.
Jim:Aw, thanks, Pete. That was really nice. I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight... especially the Flordia cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do... which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photo copy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?
Pam:Like... a year.
Jim:I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So... I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses--
Mee-Maw:What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?
Jim:Pam can't drink? I didn't-- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I-- no. What we want-- the real reason is that, that Pam's pregnant.
Michael:[clears throat] Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consentual sex--
Mee-Maw:They were living together?
Michael:Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.
Jim:Michael.
Michael:When you c-- well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation.
Jim:Oh, my God. Please.
Michael:When you use something to block-- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman--
Pam:Michael.
Michael:...but it's different for the-- ok. Ok.
Pam:Michael. Stop.
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