Secret Santa
Meme It!Michael:[santa voice] Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt!
Group:[mutters] Okay...
Michael:No it's not, not like penis-wise. [as Santa] Hello little boy, what's your name?
Kevin:Michael it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap.
Michael:Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.
Kevin:When can I sit on your lap?
Michael:Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It's a struggle] Oh my God.
Kevin:That's really comfortable. [Michael gasps]
Michael:What would you like for Christmas little boy?
Kevin:I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.
Michael:What did you think was going to happen?
Kevin:I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.
Michael:All right, just say 'some toys' please.
Kevin:Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list.
Michael:Damn it Kevin, come on.
Kevin:What about if I tell you the things I don't want?
Michael:Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God!
Kevin:I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted!
Michael:Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.
Kevin:Awesome.